Ubiquitous: Thy name is Royal Wedding

Last week, I was flicking through the TV guide looking for something to watch (there was absolutely nothing on) when I came across a Lifetime Original Movie creatively titled William & Kate. I turned it on out of curiosity because I had seen it previously mentioned in one of the numerous magazines I read. I think I lasted a grand total of four minutes before I turned it off—it was excruciatingly painful to behold. The acting and dialogue were so cheesy and corny—even thinking about it now makes me cringe. And let’s be honest I already know how the story ends, and if I didn’t, clearly I have been living under a rock.

Because the story of William and Kate is all over the place. Everywhere you look there is some reference made to the Royal Wedding aka the Wedding of the Century (Isn’t it kind of early in the century to be declaring that already? At least with Charles and Diana it was already 81 years into the century. The probability then that there would be a bigger wedding was a lot slimmer).

There’s no escaping it.

At the grocery store this weekend, there were numerous magazines featuring the soon to be married couple, including several magazines entirely about them or even just Kate Middleton.

Two weeks ago, People ran a ten page royal wedding guide filled with pointless information—the exact minute each member of the royal family is set to arrive at Westminster Abbey, the responsibilities of the maid of honor and best man, the celebrities who are invited, etc. This is in addition to all the other information People provides weekly and daily on their online site.

And I’m not just talking about the tabloids. Just today, I found references to the royal wedding on the main web pages of the USA Today, the Washington Post, the LA Times, and the New York Times.

There has also been a flood of William and Kate TV specials over the past two months—in addition to anything else that has any connection to royalty. “Extreme Royal Collections”—really TLC?

And this is sure to only get worse as this Friday approaches.

In fact, in Entertainment Weekly’s day-to day guide of notable TV programs for April 18-May 1, there were at least 12 different specials all related to the royal wedding. At least the writers there had a sense of humor about it all—their descriptions of some of the programs actually made me laugh out loud. Some of my favorites:

20/20: William & Catherine: A Modern Fairytale

“Allow me to summarize: daughter of party planners, housemates, sexy modeling gig, breakup, going bald, Diana’s ring.”

And to be honest that really is the couple’s entire 8 year relationship in a nutshell.

Dateline

“Dennis Murphy takes a closer look at Kate Middleton’s story. What a novel idea! I don’t think I’ve seen anything about her recently.”

Seriously, how much closer of a look can you take?

Inside the Royal Wedding

“Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira get the inside scoop on the wedding. Breaking news! There will be cake! And flowers! And—brace yourselves—a dress!”

The last one made me laugh the most. Because so many of these programs and articles are all speculation on what could happen for, on, or at the wedding. Who’s invited, what type of flowers, what type of “secret” wedding music selections, where each of the THREE receptions will be held (I’m not even sure how I know there is going to be three receptions), what kinds of desserts, who will design The Dress, which tiara, who Harry will bring as his date, whether William will wear boxers or briefs, what type of toilet paper will be provided for the guests…the speculation goes on and on.

Yet, that is exactly what all this is—just pure speculation and conjecture from royal “experts” and “insiders”. There is rarely any basis in fact. And yet hours upon hours of TV programming and articles upon articles have been devoted to speculating on every possible angle of this wedding.

But then again isn’t that what sports analysts do all the time? Guess which team is going to win based on their “expert” opinion? It doesn’t matter if they’re right or wrong. (Charles Barkley’s bracket for the NCAA tournament—enough said.)

And I guess the royal wedding could be considered the female equivalent of the Super Bowl. And it really only happens like once every three decades. So why shouldn’t the so called experts speculate to their hearts content? Why shouldn’t those enchanted by the royal family enjoy this fairytale wedding? (Despite the fact the last one ended in infidelity, divorce and tragedy—really, Disney movies are a much safer bet.)

An estimated one billion people are expected to watch the blessed event this upcoming Friday and good for them. If that’s what they want to do, go for it. Up until a month ago, I was one of them.

But now, I just don’t care. I’ve been desensitized to it all. I’m tired of all the hoopla and speculation. There’s just been too much of it.  All feelings of this being a “special” event have faded due to coverage overload. It was way too much, way too early. After six months, I’ve had enough. I just can’t bring myself to care about this wedding—at least not enough to wake up at 6 a.m. to watch. I find sleep infinitely more important. While I’m curious about the dress, I know that I will be able to find probably a million pictures (along with all corresponding opinions) of it online before 9 a.m. And coverage will continue on this wedding weeks after it’s all over because after all it is the Wedding of the Century. And once that is all finally over, have no fear those who’ve become addicted to royal news overload and aren’t ready to quit cold turkey because first comes love, then comes marriage, and then comes baby in the baby carriage. Actually, I do believe Star magazine has already begun speculating that Kate is pregnant and waiting to announce it after the honeymoon…

Regardless, for those who are setting your alarm clocks or DVRs, I hope you enjoy the wedding. For those of you like me who plan to sleep in, I’m sure we won’t regret it. And if you do, I hear you can download the ceremony on iTunes.