The Hairpiece-in-Chief

Let me be clear: Donald Trump will not run for president if he has any political sense, although that’s a debatable point. He can’t and won’t get elected, let alone receive the GOP nomination. But it’s still fun to consider. Staff writers of World Net Daily would be his speechwriters, while Orly Taitz would serve as legal counsel. So Obama will be faced with some run-of-the-mill, already-rejected Republican candidate that has been vehemently spit out and recycled from a prior presidential (or vice-presidential) campaign: Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, et al.

So be it, and I will be largely unreachable outside of work while I follow every move and twist of the 2012 presidential race – just like my parents intended when they bore me 28 years ago. I will watch Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews, as well as FOX News and CNN opinion-makers, during the campaign and I will be excited to get every nugget of insight I can about the GOP battle for the party nomination.

But if he does for some unfathomable reason (other than publicity) make an official run for the White House, I will not question Donald Trump’s citizenship. I will assume the high road and take The Donald at his word that he was born and raised in this country to loving, doting parents who gave him every opportunity they could to ensure his success and ability to fire people on national television, put his impeccable surname behind a stellar line of Gardner White furniture, bankrupt an Atlantic City casino and marry several women. Yes, I’m being a bit glib, but I’m sure The Donald is also a loving, doting father to his five children, in spite of his exploits in the media. For all his faults (and there are many), I have no doubt that he is a decent man living the life he wants, just as we all should be able to. But none of that is what is at issue here.

I do, however, have concerns that no one knew The Hairpiece while it was growing up and attending elementary school. Mr. Trump has not released the birth certificate of The Magnificent Hair, and he has refused such a transparent action (one the American people almost certainly expect of their president’s hair) to the best of my knowledge. You can’t find anyone admitting to knowing The Donald’s Coif or admitting see its finger-painting projects when it was just a peu de chaveux, or evidence that its projects on American history weren’t constructed by Communists or radical Muslim babies, nor do we have concrete proof that The Hairpiece was not imported from the Czech Republic (a former Communist nation!) like The Donald’s ex-wife, Ivana.

This lack of transparency is obviously something that needs investigation, so I have hired a crack team of researchers, much like The Donald Himself has hired to look into Obama’s citizenship, and what my squad is finding is absolutely stunning. I will reveal the results those handsomely-paid investigators come up with when I hear back from them in between Trump’s seasons of Celebrity Apprentice or, as it may be, when he finds the time in his schedule to announce that he is not, after all, running for the highest office in the land.

But most important, however, is what happens when this possibly foreign-born hairpiece has to answer the proverbial red phone at 3 a.m. and make calls critical for Americans, nay, the world. Would The Donald’s Coif feel beholden to its possibly foreign interests in the far reaches of the globe when dealing with a catastrophic terrorist attack on the United States? Would The Head Rug rely on the leaders of nations from which the individual strands of hair came? Do those nations include Saudi Arabia, Litheuania, Russia, Turkey, or North Korea?

We don’t know the answers to these obviously pressing issues, but these are the tough questions that need to be asked of a potential/hyptothetical/magical Hairpiece-in-Chief.

(This work is complete satire)